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Funny New Year’s Resolutions

  • Below is a list of interesting status messages we know you're going to love. Go through the list to pick as many messages as you like, and post them on your wall throughout the day, if you like.
  • Since this year kicked my @$$ financially, I resolve to celebrate the arrival of the New Year as if it's $19.99.
  • To those who update their Facebookpage every 30 seconds, this year, I will teach you why Twitter
  • This year, I resolve to spend more time than last year wishing my enemies were dead.
  • For my New Year's resolution, I will check my breathing more than my Facebook
  • I resolve to stop asking dumb questions to Siri.
  • This year, I resolve to mock all my friends and family members who come up with a new 'bad habits' resolution.
  • I resolve to stop lying to myself about sticking to any earth-shattering lifestyle changes I may make on New Year's Eve.
  • This year, I resolve not to harass my supervisor with the same lame excuses about taking the day off. I will make some excellent excuses.
  • I resolve to lose just enough weight so that when I brush my teeth, my gut won't jiggle out of control.
  • My New Year's resolution is to pretend that I'm excited about hearing yours.
  • May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
  • This year, I wish to have a fat bank account and a thin body. Let's just hope that the Gods don't mix these two up.
  • New year, same resolution, no hope.
  • This year, every time a telemarketer calls me, I will hand the phone to my 4-year-old and tell him it's Santa.
  • This year, I resolve to give up on my resolution at day 1 and instead, get an early start at binge eating, boozing, napping, and slacking off.
  • My New Year's resolution ― Date more pretty women.
    Edited ― Date more.
    Edited again ― Get a date.
    Edited x3 ― Be able to gather enough courage to ask a girl on a date.
  • My New Year's resolution is to eat more fruit ... snacks.
  • This year, I resolve to work with children who get neglected by their families; i.e. my own.
  • This year, I will not be making any resolutions. The task of making plans, criticizing it, and then finally cursing myself of making a promise is too much work.
  • This year, I will do less laundry and wear more deodorant.

 

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